Enjolras and his Amazing Technicolour Waistcoat
by ChildrenOfTheBarricades
Summary: Because I just couldn't resist, I decided to force the characters of Les Miserables to perform Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. WARNING: Major silliness
1. Chapter 1

**Enjolras and his Amazing Technicolor Waistcoat**

_::The Mizzies are standing around looking thoroughly cheesed off::_

Valjean: It appears there is an epidemic.

Javert: I can't believe that someone else is jumping on the bandwagon.

Eponine: This is like, the fourth person to do this to us!

Joly: Monsieur, when you said epidemic...?

Bahorel: Oh, dieu Joly, you're hopeless!

Courfeyrac: Look, can we hurry this up please? I've got an appointment with my tailor.

Gavroche: Yeah sure _tailor_!

Bousset: Little kids grow up so fast these days, don't they?

Me: _::Bursting in::_ Gah! So sorry I'm late guys! That's what last minute Philosophy-essay-writing does to you...

Valjean: Yeah, whatever.

Me: Well, excuse me!

Gavroche: You're excused.

Me: Oh for goodness sakes! Look I said I was sorry.

Javert: Well, if you'd done the essay when it was set...

Me: _::evil glare at Javert:: _Yeah, yeah. Anyway,

Bousset: So why are we here?

Me: If you'd just let me

Thenardier: I hope we're not doing anything today.

Me: Why would I get you here if

Marius: Ooh! Maybe we can go to Disneyland today!

Me: As fun as that would be, that's not

Cosette: Oh yes! Then we can go see all the princesses for real!

Me: That's just weird. No, we can't just go

Gavroche: Can I see Mickey Mouse?

Me: You _could_, if we were actually

Eponine: I'm actually kinda looking forward to this.

Me: I'm sorry, but we're not going to

Amis: Field trip!

Me: QUUUIIIIEEEEETTTT! _::Everyone finally shuts up and looks at me:: _Look. I'm sorry, but we're not gonna go to Disneyland.

Javert: Why not?

Me: Cos I can't afford it.

Thenardier: Well, I'm sure I could

Me: No!

Javert: Or I'm sure Valjean would have no worries about

Valjean: Are you implying something?

Javert: No.

Valjean: Good.

Javert: I was saying it outright.

Valjean: Oh, go wax your sideburns!

Javert: How dare you!

Me: Boys! You're behaving like six-year-olds!

Javert: Boys?

Valjean: As canon characters, we're over half a century older than you!

Me: Fine. Men! You're behaving like six-year-olds!

Jehan: That seems an interesting use of juxtaposition.

Me: See? Boys was better.

Combeferre: I actually agree with her on this.

Me: Thanks, 'Ferre. Now, if I can just get this back on topic

Grantaire: There was a topic?

Me: ...You're awake?

Grantaire: I am now.

Me: Okay then. And yes, there was a topic. Or at least I was trying to introduce a topic.

Marius: So what was the topic?

Me: Which? The one we were on or the one I was trying to get us on? _::The Mizzies all give me death-glares:: _Okay guys, chill! The topic was... performing!

All: Surprise, surprise.

Me: Specifically, Joseph.

All: Huh?

Me: Well, since all the others who do this seem to have you performing hard shows, I thought we should do something fluffy for a change.

Joly: Fluffy?

Javert: Like lawyer-boy's hair?

Valjean: Or Javert's sideburns?

Courfeyrac: They're fluffy?

Fantine: You know they're fluffy?

Me: ...Okay.

Gavroche: You know how Valjean counted the number of times one writer lady said anyway?

Me: Yeah?

Gavroche: I think we should do that with you for okay.

Me: Do and you're dead!

Gavroche: _::shrugs::_ Most of us are dead anyway.

Me:... Touché. So. Back on topic, I decided you guys are gonna perform Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat!

All: _::grumble::_

Me: And now, the casting!

Fantine: Oh joy.

Me: Okay –

Gavroche: One.

Me: Grr. First, Joseph is ... Enjolras!

_::silence. Crickets chirp::_

Feuilly: I don't think he's here.

Me: No, he's here.

Eponine: How do you know?

Me: I'm the writer. I want someone to be here, all I need to do is write them in. Like so.

_::Enjolras suddenly appears, looking very grumpy::_

Enjolras: Dang it!

Javert: Hmm... Impressive! We could use someone like you with the police

Me: Absolutely not!

Javert: Hmph.

Valjean: Aw, did the mean writer girl just snub the big tough Inspector?

Javert: Go away!

Me: I'm sorry Javert, but I'm extremely left-wing, and if I had my way there'd be no need for a police force.

Thenardier: Oh fantastic. Another revolutionary.

Me: Hell yeah! Furniture wall! _::silence. Crickets::_ Ahem. Sorry. Okay –

Feuilly: Two.

Me: Fine! So, Enjy, you're Joseph.

Grantaire: How come Apollo always gets the main parts in these things?

Me: Because he's handsome, brilliant, a great leader, inspirational, an awesome singer, and generally one of the most epic fictional characters ever created. Happy?

Enjolras: _::blushing::_ Well, I don't really think I'm all that...

Me: Trust me. You are. Well, as long as you're played by the right people. **(And that means: NO JUSTIN BEIBER/ZAC EFRON/JONAS BROTHER/LATEST DISNEY POSTERBOY...EVER! Clear enough, Sir Cameron?)**

Valjean: Um... That was weird.

Me: That is what we writers call an author's note. Back on topic, Enjy = Joseph. Done, good. Jacob is Valjean.

Valjean: And how did you get there?

Me: _::shrug::_ Well, when you save Enjy from the sniper... And it was either you or Javert.

Javert: So why didn't you pick me?

Me: You'd be at each other's throats the whole time! The finale would be rubbish!

Enjolras: Well, I for one am not unhappy with that casting choice.

Me: Excellent. Enjolras approved; the matter is settled. Moving on. Narrator... Eponine.

Eponine: Oh, wicked!

Marius: No. Joseph.

All: _::groan::_

Me: ...So, moving swiftly past that god-awful so-called joke, Marius will be Potipher.

Marius: What? Why?

Me: A mild punishment for that joke, plus I find you annoying, unless you're being played by Michael Ball.

Marius: Hmph.

Me: Therefore, Mrs Potipher is Cosette.

Cosette: What?

Marius: My wife has to hit on Enjolras?

Me: Yep.

Cosette: Why are you picking on us?

Me: Because, compared to all the other characters, you're lame. Sorry. Plus, I just had to see your reactions. _::evil grin::_

Enjolras: Sorry, a married woman has to – to use Marius's coarse phrasing – hit on me?

Me: Ah, yes. Sorry 'bout that.

Grantaire: Oh, this is just too good!

Enjolras: Oh be quiet!

Me: Avoiding conflict! Next, Pharaoh will be played by Grantaire.

All: What?

Me: Yeah, couldn't resist.

Grantaire: So I'm in charge? Awe-_some_!

Enjolras: Oh god help us all...

Me: Don't worry. You're still the most popular.

Enjolras: _::brightens slightly::_

Javert: So we've got a street rat narrating, an ancient escaped convict as the father of a pretty-boy revolutionary dream-interpreter, and a drunk as king?

Me: Pharaoh. Not king.

Javert: Whatever. _::sighs::_ We're doomed.

Me: Well, thank you for that vote of confidence Mr I-can't-catch-a-runaway-convict-so-I-may-as-well-jump-off-a-bridge.

Javert: _::sulks::_ And you had to bring that up...

Me: Yeah. Sue me.

Javert: Fine! _::grabs Marius::_ Tell it to my lawyer!

Marius: I'm not your lawyer!

Javert: You are now!

Me: Oh jeez! _::facepalm::_ Can we please get on with this?

Combeferre: Again, I'm in agreement with the writer. We're on the fifth page and we haven't really been doing anything.

Me: Thanks again. Okay

Bahorel: Three.

Me: _::death-glare::_ Now, the Butler and Baker.

All: _::hold breath, slightly scared::_

Me: The Butler will be Javert

All: _::burst out laughing::_

Javert: Why have you got a vendetta against me?

Me: Actually, I haven't. It's just that you embody the system of authority, and I am sworn to destroy said system.

Javert: Hmph.

Me: Look, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll get one of my friends to give you a hug later, okay?

Bousset: Four.

Me: _::clenches fist::_

Javert: I thank you for your offer, but that seems a little weird.

Me: Yeah, it does doesn't it. Oh well. Now you can't say I don't care about you.

Javert: Oh darn!

Me: Hehe. Forward planning, guys. _::to the Amis:: _It's useful. Honest.

Eponine: Can we...?

Me: Ah yes. Thank you Eponine. Thenardier is the Baker.

Thenardier: But I don't cook.

Master of the House Customers: Don't we know it...

Me: It doesn't matter. You're gonna get executed anyway.

Thenardier: Gee, thanks.

Me: You're most welcome. I think that's all the solo parts done. Now, the brothers.

Combeferre: Can I be Simeon?

Courfeyrac: Shotgun Judah!

Bahorel: Reuben!

Feuilly: Can I not have a solo?

Bousset: I really don't care who I play.

Me: Will you all just calm down? _::Amis go quiet:: _Thank you. Right, here goes. Reuben = Bahorel.

Bahorel: Awesome!

Me: Simeon = Combeferre.

Combeferre: Yes!

Me: Levi = Feuilly.

Feuilly: Okay.

Me: Napthali = Montparnasse.

All: What?

Me: _::shrugs::_ Well, there aren't enough Amis, so I had to get the others from somewhere.

Montparnasse: So I actually have to do stuff?

Me: Yes.

Montparnasse: _::grumbles and twirls his knife, glaring at me evilly::_

Me: Ahem. Issachar = Bousset.

Bousset: Um... cool.

Me: Asher = Babet.

Babet: _::high-fives Montparnasse::_

Me: Dan = Joly.

Joly: _::sneezes::_

Me: Bless you. Zebulon = Claquesous.

Claquesous: _::high-fives Parnasse and Babet::_

Me: Gad = Jehan.

Jehan: Oh, good!

Me: Benjamin = Gavroche.

Gavroche: Do I get a solo?

Me: Um... no.

Gavroche: _::grumbles::_

Me: Well, if I can, I'll give you one.

Javert: _::cough::_ Favoritism! _::cough::_

Me: So I like Gavroche. Get over it. And Courfeyrac is Judah.

Courfeyrac: I is happy!

Me:... Yeah.

Enjolras: I have a question.

Javert: Ooh! Look at the rebel being all polite!

Me: Believe it or not, Javvie, girls do actually appreciate manners more than a nightstick in their face.

Javert: They do? _::takes out notebook and scribbles it down::_

Everyone: _::stares::_

Javert: _::seeing everyone staring at him::_ Ahem. Sorry. What?

Valjean: I can't believe what I've just seen.

Eponine: You have a notebook on how to score with girls?

Javert: What? No! This is my... shopping list. I'm making a list of shopping. I'm going to shop for what I put on my list.

Courfeyrac: Yeah. Sure.

Me: People! Behave! And don't tease Javert. I can't deal with him getting all upset right now.

Javert: Me! Upset! Hmph!

Me: _::ignoring him::_ Now, I'm going to go get some food, and when I get back I'm starting. And you are all going to behave. Got it?

Everyone: _::grumble and whine but eventually agree::_

Me: Good. Now, bye all! _::leaves::_


	2. Chapter 2

**EahATWC – Chapter 2**

**Eponnia: Thanks so much for the lovely review! Reviews make my day and especially when they're as nice as yours. Yeah, my Enjolras swings between Ramin Karimloo and David Thaxton, and, like you, Joseph is just one of those roles I'd be happy to see either of them play (which is how I got the idea to do this in the first place) :)**

**Okay, since I forgot to do this last time and consequently received a long lecture from Javert on the importance of disclaimers...**

**I did not receive the ownership rights to Les Miz or any of its characters for Christmas (sniffle). I own nothing, nada, ****rien****, zilch. Not even the idea of forcing the Mizzies to do this sort of thing. Don't bother suing me, it's not worth it.**

Valjean: Aha! So, finally you return.

Me: Hey! I have a life outside this, you know.

Grantaire: _::grumbling::_ You have a life, period.

Me: Well, that's hardly my fault, is it?

Montparnasse: Oh, I dunno. We could fix that for you if you wanted... _::Thenardier's gang start advancing towards me menacingly::_

Me: Why are you picking on me? _::All suddenly look very guilty:: _Okay, what happened? _::Silence. Enjolras is trying to sneak away:: _Enjy!

Enjolras: Damn!

Me: Did you give one of your speeches again?

Enjolras: ...I may have said a few...

Me: Dude!

Enjolras: I'm a revolutionary! It's in my blood to defy authority to the last!

Me: Yeah, and your blood is dripping down the barricade.

Javert: Ooh! Burn!

Courfeyrac: _::shoving him::_ Oh do shut up!

Javert: How dare you push an officer of the law?

Gavroche: It's funny.

Javert: _::clutching his nightstick::_ You think it's funny to mock the law? The law is not mocked!

Me: Oh god! _::facepalm::_ Look, we've got a lot to do today, so may I respectfully suggest we get on with it?

Marius: Can we go to Disneyland today?

Me: No! We are working! Deal with it, spaniel-hair!

Marius: _::bursts into tears::_

Cosette: Oh, now look what you've done!

Me: Well, I mean come on! Exactly how much product does he use in his hair anyway? There's no way it can constantly be that fluffy on its own.

Eponine: _::singing quietly::_ On its own, Marius's hair is fluffy. All alone, without any extra products...

Me: Argh! People can we please just focus?

Joly: You know, stress is very bad for your heart.

Me: Well, I wouldn't be so stressed if you lot would just behave.

Javert: You do realize I haven't done anything?

Valjean: _::muttering::_ Suck-up!

Javert: I'm sorry. Did you say something, Mr I-fired-you-and-basically-killed-you-so-now-I'm-gonna-look-after-your-child-so-you'll-let-me-get-into-heaven?

Valjean: I didn't kill her!

Fantine: Well, it was cos of you I became a prostitute and subsequently caught pneumonia and died...

Valjean: What? Why are you siding with him?

Me: The world's gone mad...

Joly: Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.

Bousset: And the second is talking to fictional characters.

Me: Enough! Okay,

Gavroche: Are we counting these again?

Feuilly: It was rather fun...

Bahorel: What were we on?

Bousset: I think it was four...

Combeferre: And we missed some from earlier.

Jehan: Two.

Gavroche: So we're on six.

Grantaire: And when she reaches ten, we all have to do a shot.

Me: Absolutely not!

Eponine: Gives you an incentive not to reach ten, though.

Marius: How did you know a word like incentive?

Eponine: I know a lot of things, I do.

Me: Okay,

Valjean: Seven.

Me: Whatever! Getting back to our Joseph performance. Enjolras, I seem to recall you had a question at the end of the last chapter.

Enjolras: Oh yes. I was just wondering what we were going to do about the miniscule problem of needing a children's chorus.

Gavroche: My friends can help.

Me: Okay then. _::Navet and several other boys appear out of thin air::_

Jehan: I do wish you wouldn't just make them appear like that.

Me: Sorry, Jehan. _::Navet and the others disappear. There is a knock at the door, and they enter that way:: _Better?

Jehan: Much. Thank you.

Me: You're welcome.

Courfeyrac: We still need some more kids though.

Me: Not a problem. _::There is another knock at the door, and the entire children's chorus from Oliver! traipse in:: _There! Sorted!

All: _::grudging admiration::_

Grantaire: Question. Why Oliver?

Me: _::shrugs:: _It's our school play and the first one that came into my head that has a large kids' chorus.

Grantaire: Fair 'nuff.

Me: So. Now that we're all here and settled, shall we begin?

Javert: No.

Me: It was a rhetorical question, Javvie.

Javert: Oh.

Me: Eponine? You're up!

Eponine: Fine. **Some folks dream of the wonders they'll do**

**Before their time on this planet is through.**

Fantine: Oh my god! I can actually identify with that!

Amis: Us too!

Eponine: **Some just don't have anything planned.**

**They hide their hopes and their heads in the sand.**

Valjean: _::cough::_ Javert! _::cough::_

Javert: Oh, you did not just –

Me: Behave!

Eponine: **Now, I don't say who is wrong, who is right,**

**But if by chance you are here for the night**

**Then all I need is an hour or two**

Bousset: Oh god! That long? Really?

Eponine: **To tell the tale of a dreamer like you.**

**We all dream a lot**

Javert: Speak for yourself.

Fantine: You don't dream?

Javert: Of course not. Dreaming gets you killed quicker.

Enjolras: You have no proof to support that claim, monsieur.

Javert: I outlived all you lot, didn't I?

Enjolras: _::is stumped::_

Me: Guys!

Eponine: **Some are lucky, some are not.**

Fantine: You can say that again.

Eponine: **But if you think it, want it, dream it, then it's real.**

**You are what you feel.**

Courfeyrac: Um, I can feel a spider, so...?

Jehan: ARGH! SPIDER! _::jumps on Montparnasse's back::_

Montparnasse: Get off me, you wuss!

Eponine: **But all that I say**

**Can be told another way,**

**In the story of a boy whose dream came true,**

**And he could be you.**

Me: Thank you, Eponine! That was lovely!

Eponine: _::blushing::_ Thank you.

Me: Okay, Enjy, do your thing!

Enjolras: _::grumbles:: _If I must... **I closed my eyes,**

**Drew back the curtain**

**To see for certain**

**What I thought I knew.**

**Far far away,**

**Someone was weeping**

**But the world was sleeping.**

**Any dream will do.**

Javert: Well, this song sure makes a lot of sense (!)

Combeferre: I think it's metaphorical...

Javert: _::muttering::_ Show-off!

Me: Be quiet! Kids, get ready.

Enjolras: **I wore my coat**

Kids: _::The two shows are each trying to outdo the other, volume-wise::_ **I wore my coat!**

Enjolras: **With golden lining.**

Kids: **Ah-ah-ah!**

Enjolras: **Bright colours shining.**

Kids: **Ah-ah!**

Enjolras: **Wonderful and new.**

Grantaire: That sounds familiar...

Bahorel: Indeed. Golden lining? Shiny? I'm actually beginning to wonder if this part was written to be performed by Enjolras.

Me: _::muttering::_ Don't I wish!

Enjolras: **And in the east,**

Kids: **And in the east!**

Enjolras: **The dawn was breaking.**

Kids: **Ah-ah-ah!**

Enjolras: **And the world was waking.**

Kids: **Ah-ah!**

Enjolras, kids: **Any dream will do.**

Enjolras: **A crash of drums, a flash of light!**

**My golden coat flew out of sight!**

Enjolras, kids: **The colours faded into darkness**

Enjolras: **I was left alone.**

Grantaire: Poor old Enjy _::gives him a hug::_

Enjolras: Get off me!

Me: Grantaire! Time and place! _::Grantaire lets go, grumbling::_

Enjolras: **May I return**

Kids: **May I return**

Enjolras: **To the beginning?**

Kids: **Ah-ah-ah!**

Enjolras: **The light is dimming.**

Marius: Obvious game!

Me: _::under my breath::_ Don't punch Marius, don't punch Marius...

Cosette: Why are you being so mean?

Me: Why is he being so annoying?

Marius: I said one thing—

Thenardier: One thing too many.

Enjolras: Ahem. Kind of in the middle of something here.

Me: Sorry, Enjy. Please continue.

Enjolras: Thank you. **And the dream is too.**

**The world and I**

Kids: **The world and I!**

Enjolras: **We are still waiting. **Oh, so the world's actually decided to join me now. About time!

Jehan: And only when it doesn't have to do anything...

Kids: **Ah-ah-ah!**

Enjolras: **Still hesitating.**

Jehan: Yep. That proves it.

Enjolras: That's it! My faith in humanity is officially destroyed! Lazy little—

Javert: _::points to rating:: _K+! K+!

Valjean: Yes, we can see that.

Javert: Just making sure. I have a feeling it may be harder for some people to see than others...

Valjean: You know, Javert. I'm feeling tempted to see whether that rather OTT hat you're wearing will float when I've put a load of rocks in it!

Javert: _::jams hat onto his head::_ No! Not my hat! _::He runs away and hides it in a dark corner::_

Me: Hmm... Note to self – Means of controlling Javert, threaten his hat...

Navet: Gettin' bored here!

Artful Dodger: Can we get on wiv this?

Oliver: Please?

Me: Go on then.

Les Miz Kids: **Ah-ah!**

Charlie Bates: Oi! We weren't ready!

Navet: Should-a been quicker then!

Artful Dodger: Ya little—

Javert: _::points to rating::_ K+!

Me: Okay!

Enjolras: Eight.

Me: Et tu, Brute?

Enjolras: _::shrugs::_

Me: _::sigh::_ Alright, we'll do that last bit again and you are all singing at the same time. _::glares at the Kids of both shows:: _And... go!

Kids: **Ah-ah-ah!**

Me: Great! Moving on!

Enjolras: **Any dream will do.**

Les Miz Kids: **Any dream**

Oliver! Kids: **Any dream will**

Les Miz Kids: **Any dream**

Enjolras, Kids: **Any dream will do.**

Oliver! Kids: **Any dream**

Les Miz Kids: **Any dream will**

Oliver! Kids: **Any dream**

Enjolras, Kids: **Any dream will do.**

Me: And cut! _::All sigh with relief:: _Okay, guys.

Combeferre: Nine.

Grantaire: I'll get the absinthe!

Me: I haven't got ten yet!

Grantaire: I believe in forward planning.

Me: ...Anyway, that's that for today. _::All cheer:: _Next time, we're doing 'Jacob and Sons'/'Joseph's Coat'.

All: Oh joy.

Me: Now, try not to kill each other while I'm gone. _::leaves::_

Fantine: Well that could have been worse.

Enjolras: I enjoyed it.

Eponine: Me too.

Thenardier: Yeah, cos you had stuff to do.

_::There is suddenly a high pitched shriek from a certain Inspector::_

Javert: My hat! My hat! Who's got my hat?

**Dun-dun-duuuuuuun! Sigh. I can't leave them alone for five minutes, can I? Oh well, gives me an incentive to update. You know what else does? Yep. You guessed it. Cookies! And reviews. So please review. Even if you think this is a pile of **(Javert: K+!)**; though, if that is your opinion, please do give con-crit cos flaming never helped anyone. Happy New Year everyone! :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**EahATWC – Chapter 3**

**ARGH! So unbelievably sorry for the ridiculously long wait! Only I've had exams and school stuff (I know that's the excuse everyone uses but still...) Well everyone, a very Happy New Year to all! Hopefully, 2012 will be the year I succeed in my plans to get control of the Les Miz universe (mwahahaha!), but until that happens I own absolutely nothing to do with Les Miz besides three albums, the two anniversary DVDs, two keyrings, a T-shirt, a hoody, a baseball cap, seventeen bootlegs, and a whole bunch of programs. And you're not getting those even if you sue me. You have been told.**

Me: _::annoyingly bright:: _Hi guys!

All: _::groan::_

Valjean: Please don't speak so loud!

Me: _::unsympathetic:: _Oh dear. Did someone have a bit too much to drink in the first-load-of-exams-over celebrations last night?

Eponine: I think we all did...

Me: I don't like the sound of that.

Grantaire: Meh. I don't think it was that bad.

Me: What?

Grantaire: Oh. You didn't know...

Me: _::gives him a duh-look::_

Courfeyrac: It was... eventful.

Me: What happened?

Combeferre: Let's just say Enjolras evidently doesn't hold his drink well.

Me: Enjy got drunk? What did I miss?

Courfeyrac: I got it on tape. I'll show you later.

Gavroche: Wow. Anachronism much?

Jehan: How does a gamin know a word like anachronism?

Gavroche: _::shrugs::_ There's lots of things I know.

Eponine: Don't you steal my lines!

_::There is suddenly a loud wail coming from the corner::_

Me: What was that?

Marius: Javert's upset.

Me: Why?

Javert: _::sobbing and clutching a bottle of wine::_ ...It was nothing very fancy, and I know it may not have been the biggest or the prettiest, but... I MISS MY HAT! _::he breaks down completely::_

Fantine: At the end of the last chapter, after you left, someone stole Javert's hat and he's been moping in that corner ever since.

Grantaire: _::grumpy:: _And he stole my wine!

Me: Alright. I'm giving whoever stole Javert's hat until the end of this chapter to give it back. If the guilty party has not returned the hat in that time... _::thinks of a suitable punishment::_ I'll write everyone a Mary-Sue version of themselves.

All: _::gasp of horror::_

Cosette: You... you are _evil_!

Me: Maybe. So, whoever you are, you have been warned! Javert! _::he looks at me blearily:: _Man up! You can always buy yourself a new hat anyway. _::he looks horrified and his bottom lip starts trembling:: _Okay! Okay!

Grantaire: Yes!

Feuilly: Eleven!

Combeferre: Do we really have to do this?

Me: Oh god no...

Grantaire: You went over the limit. Everyone has to do a shot!

Bahorel: Um... I don't think that's such a good idea...

Grantaire: Too late! _::he grabs for his bottle of absinthe but it disappears:: _What the

Javert: _::mumbling:: _K+.

Me: No one is doing any shots until Javert's hat is returned.

Grantaire: What?

Me: So I guess that rules out Grantaire then.

Valjean: Great. One out of seventy-four.

Me: ...You took a census?

Valjean: I got bored, okay? _::muttering under his breath. Only a few words are audible:: _...spend my life running... makes us do these stupid... leaves us on our own... so boring... what else could I do?

Me: Okay,

Gavroche: Twelve.

Me: We've reached the limit!

Joly: But it was a reasonable preventative. _::sneezes::_

Me: Fine! Anyway, since we're all here now, shall we get on with it?

All: _::grumbling::_

Me: Excellent! Enthusiasm! That's what I like to hear!

All: _::slightly more enthusiastic::_

Me: Thanks all. So, where were we?

Bousset: Jacob and Sons.

Me: Thank you.

Thenardier: Great! Another session of just sitting around doing nothing.

Grantaire: I know. It's fantastic, isn't it?

Me: Eponine?

Eponine: **Way way back many centuries ago,**

**Not long after the Bible began.**

**Jacob lived in the land of Canaan,**

**A fine example of a family man.**

Valjean: Why exactly am I wearing a tea towel on my head?

Me: It was the closest thing I could find.

Valjean: Grr.

Eponine: **Jacob, Jacob and sons,**

**Depended on farming to earn their keep.**

**Jacob, Jacob and sons,**

**Spent all of their days in the fields with sheep.**

Valjean: You do realize I was once a Mayor?

Me: Yes.

Valjean: ...How degrading.

Me: You were a convict for nineteen years.

Valjean: _::death-glare::_ Yes, yes, alright!

Eponine:** Jacob was the founder of a whole new nation**

**Thanks to the number of children he had.**

Cosette: Eeeeew! Daddy!

Bahorel: Hm... sounds more like Courfeyrac to me...

Courfeyrac: _::proudly:: _Cheers!

Me: _::facepalm::_ Oy!

Eponine: **He was also known as Israel, but most of the time**

**His sons and his wives used to call him**

Kids, Girls: **Dad!**

Feuilly: Whoa, whoa, whoa... His wives called him dad?

Grantaire: Kinky.

Me: ...Moving swiftly on.

Eponine, Kids: **Jacob, Jacob and sons.**

Eponine: **Men of the soil, of the sheaf and crook.**

Montparnasse: You what?

Me: Soil and sheaf means that they were farmers, crook means that they were shepherds.

Valjean: Funny. In my experience, crook means something entirely different.

Javert: And you would know.

Valjean: Pardon, Whiskers?

Javert: Hat thief!

Valjean: It wasn't me!

Javert: Just like it wasn't you who stole the writer's plate of cookies?

Me: Huh?

Valjean: Um... I'm gonna get back to acting now...

Eponine, Kids: **Jacob, Jacob and sons.**

Eponine: **A remarkable family in anyone's book.**

Bahorel: **Reuben!**

Eponine: **Was the eldest of the children of Israel, with**

Eponine, Combeferre: **Simeon!**

Eponine, Feuilly: **And Levi!**

Eponine: **The next in line.**

**Napthali... **Hang on. Where's 'Parnasse?

Me: Montparnasse!

Montparnasse: _::extremely irritated sigh:: _Alright!

**Napthali.**

Eponine, Bousset: **Issachar!**

Eponine, Babet: _::Babet is as unenthusiastic as Parnasse was::_ **Asher!**

Eponine, Joly: **Dan!**

Joly: _::sneezes::_

Eponine, Claquesous: _::Claquesous is even less unenthusiastic than Parnasse and Babet put together:: _**Zebulon.**

Eponine, Jehan: **Gad!**

Eponine: **Took the total to nine!**

All: **Jacob, Jacob and sons.**

Eponine, Gavroche: **Benjamin!**

Eponine, Courfeyrac: **Judah!**

Eponine: **Which leaves only one.**

All: **Jacob, Jacob and sons.**

Eponine: **Joseph, Jacob's favourite son.**

_::Enjolras appears minus his vest::_

Enjolras: Hating this!

Me: Oh stop moaning! You'll get it back when we're done!

Courfeyrac: People are getting waaaaay too attached to their canon-costumes...

Valjean: Hold on! Why does he have to be my favourite?

Enjolras: I'm right here monsieur.

Valjean: To be honest, I'd rather have fluffy-head as a son than him.

Marius: _::indescribably happy::_ Really?

Enjolras: You saved me from a sniper!

Valjean: And...?

Me: Hold on, why on earth would you choose to have fluffy-head as a son over Enjy?

Valjean: At least Fluffy's not an idealist with a death wish.

Amis: Hey!

Me: Grr. People, we're so close to the end of this song. Can we please just do it?

All: Okay...

**Jacob, Jacob and sons.**

**Jacob, Jacob and sons.**

**Jacob, Jacob and sons.**

**Jacob, Jacob, Jacob,**

**Jacob and sooooooooooooooonnnnnnns!**

Grantaire: Okay, so what was this guy's name again? _::ducks as Enjolras throws a shoe at him::_

Me: Wow! That was surprisingly easy.

Bousset: Yeah. It was, wasn't it?

Courfeyrac: HUDDLE! _::The Mizzies all go into a huddle and begin whispering::_

Eponine: Oh my god. Why do boys have to be so immature?

Me: Guys, we need to keep going!

Mizzies: _::grumbling::_ Fine!

Me: Valjean, you're up!

Valjean: If I absolutely must. _::takes a deep breath::_

Me: Oh wait! Has anyone given Javert his hat back yet?

All: Nope. _::Javert begins crying again::_

Montparnasse: Nice going!

Me: Well, I'm sorry!

Valjean: CAN I PLEASE START NOW? _::all nod meekly:: _Thank you!

**Joseph's mother, she was quite my favourite wife.**

**I never really loved another all my life.**

Cosette: Hey!

Me: It's just a song.

Cosette: But still...

Enjolras: It is somewhat disturbing.

Me: Oh man up!

Enjolras: Hmph!

Valjean: I'm singing here! **And Joseph was **

**My joy because**

**He reminded me of her.**

Eponine: **Through young Joseph, Jacob lived his youth again.**

**Loved him, praised him, gave him all he could, but then**

**It made the rest**

**Feel second-best**

**And even if they were.**

Brothers: **Being told we're also-rans**

**Does not make us Joseph's fans.**

Eponine: **And where they have really missed the boat is –**

Brothers: **We're great guys but no one seems to notice.**

Bahorel: This is... seriously weird.

Bousset: I know, right? It all sounds so familiar...

Eponine: **Joseph's charm and winning smiles**

**Failed to slay them in the aisles.**

Combeferre: Ah! That's better!

Jehan: At least that bit isn't true.

Feuilly: Enjolras's charm never failed to hook anyone!

Me: Oh god. Les Amis slash images!

Eponine: **And their father couldn't see the danger.**

**He could not imagine any danger.**

**He just saw in Joseph all his dreams come true.**

**Jacob wanted to show the world he loved his son,**

**To make it clear that Joseph was the special one**

Joly: Again?

Bahorel: Really?

Eponine: **So Jacob bought **

**His son a coat.**

**A multicoloured coat to wear!**

_::Valjean presents Enjolras a beautiful coat::_

Valjean: **Joseph's coat was elegant. The cut was fine.**

Brothers, Girls: **The tasteful style was the ultimate in good design.**

Eponine: **And this is why**

**It caught the eye.**

Brothers: **A king would stop and stare!**

Eponine: **And when Joseph tried it on,**

**He knew his sheepskin days were gone.**

Enjolras: No! I refuse to wear that gaudy garment!

Jehan: What an excellent use of alliteration.

Me: Oh, just put it on! _::He does, but gives me his Glare of Death::_

Eponine, Kids: **Such a dazzling coat of many colours.**

**How he loved his coat of many colours.**

Enjolras: _::snorts::_

Eponine: **In a class above the rest**

**It even went well with his vest.**

Enjolras: So why can't I wear both?

Me: Because your actual vest clashes with the coat.

Enjolras: So can I ditch the coat...?

Me: No!

Eponine, Kids: **Such a stunning coat of many colours.**

**How he loved his coat of many colours.**

Eponine: **It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.**

**Joseph's brothers weren't too pleased with what they saw.**

Brothers: **We had never liked him all that much before.**

Enjolras: Hey!

Me: It's just a song!

Brothers: **And now this coat**

**Has got our goat.**

**We feel life is unfair.**

Eponine, Kids: **And when Joseph graced the scene,**

**His brothers turned a shade of green.**

Eponine: **His astounding clothing took the biscuit.**

Javert: Actually, that was Valjean.

Valjean: Can we get on with this?

Brothers: **Quite the smoothest person in the district.**

Grantaire: _::dreamy::_ Oh yeah!

Me, Enjolras: Grantaire!

Grantaire:... I said that out loud didn't I?

Me: Moving swiftly past that, Enjolras?

Enjolras: But I don't know how to be smug!

Me: Well... just think Michael Maguire in the TAC.

Enjolras: Okay... **I look handsome, I look smart.**

**I am a walking work of art.**

**Such a dazzling coat of many colours.**

**How I love my coat of many colours!**

Me: There you go!

Enjolras: Wow! It worked!

Me: _**(A/N: Sorry, people, but you can't deny the smugginess in Magjolras at the TAC. Just look at his expression at the end of Red and Black!)**_

Eponine, Brothers: **It was red and yellow and green and brown**

**And scarlet and black and ochre and peach**

**And ruby and olive and violet and fawn and –**

Enjolras: **I look handsome, I look smart.**

**I am a walking work of art.**

**Such a dazzling coat of many colours!**

**How I love my coat of many colours!**

**It was –**

All: **Red and yellow and green and brown**

**And scarlet and black and ochre and peach**

**And ruby and olive and violet and fawn**

**And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve**

**And cream and crimson and silver and rose**

**And azure and lemon and russet and gray**

**And purple and white and pink and orange**

**And BLUE!**

Me: And cut! _::everyone collapses::_

Claquesous: Finally!

Eponine: Can we sleep now?

Me: Wait! First things first. Javert. Has anyone given your hat back?

Javert: No.

Me: _::disappointed sigh::_ Then there's only one thing for it.

All: No!

Me: I'm very sorry that it has come to this...

All: No! Please no!

Me: So next chapter, we will be joined with Marius and Cosette: The Mary-Sue Editions!

All: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: Unless of course anyone cares to return Javert's hat. _::leaves::_

Marius:... You mean I'm not perfect already?

**So, the Mizzies now have to put up with **_**two **_**sickeningly sweet Marius/Cosette's. How will they cope? And how will I cope? Please R/R cos reviews make me happy and you can get virtual cookies. You know you want one... Also, if anyone has any suggestions on exactly what a Mary-Sue Marius/Cosette would look like/act like please include them in said reviews, as they need to be suitably horrific if Javert's ever going to get his hat back.**


	4. Chapter 4

**EatATW – Chapter 4**

**Oh dear Supreme Being, I am sooo ridiculously sorry for the wait! Schoolwork and exams and trips to London (saw Les Mis and Phantom: best two evenings out EVER ;) ), plus a minor case of writer's block made it impossible to update this sooner. Thanks all for being so patient and thanks to SmileYou'reWicked, Theatre4Life, TheTreesAreFullOfStarlight-EE, and lemonsmania for their reviews and thanks to everyone who's added this story to their Favourites/Story Alerts. Cookies and barricade-shaped cake for you all :D**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue me. (I mean it. I've got 10 bored student revolutionaries on my side!)**

Me: So, everyone gather!

All: _::gather round grumpily::_

Valjean: Man! We hoped you'd forgotten about this!

Me: I'm aware of that VJ, but I didn't and we've got a small matter of business to attend to.

All: _::groan::_

Bahorel: We hoped you'd forgotten about that too!

Combeferre: Is this approach really necessary?

Me: Javert, has your hat been returned?

Javert: _::wails::_

Me: Then it's necessary.

Grantaire: It's a HAT! He just needs to grow a pair of –

Javert: _::sniffling::_ K+.

Enjolras: Anyway, you can't talk Grantaire.

Grantaire: Huh?

Enjolras: Remember when Javert stole your absinthe?

Courfeyrac: Or when the writer stole your vest?

Enjolras: _::blushes::_

Valjean: Okay! How come when I steal a loaf of bread, I get 19 years in prison, but  
>when the writer a vest or Whiskers steals a bottle of wine - which are more valuable, may I add – nobody cares!<p>

Grantaire: I CARE!

Javert: _::sobbing::_ I.. _::sniff::_ am ... the law _::sniff:: _And the law _::sniff sniff::_ is NOT  
>MOCKED!<p>

Cosette: He's heartbroken over his hat.

Valjean: YOU'RE NOT SIDEING WITH ME AFTER A TOOK YOU AWAY FROM THAT VILE  
>INNKEEPER!<p>

Thenardier: Oi!

Cosette: He's heartbroken-

Valjean:My sister's child was close to death! I try to save us but what I GET... TO BECOME A SLAVE OF THE LAW FOR 19 YEARS AND AFTERWARDS GET HUNTED DOWN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

Cosette: _::Looks ready to cry::_

Enjolras: Ex-

Javert: 5 YEARS FOR WHAT YOU DID THE REST BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO RUN!

Me: STOP IT!

Cosette: _::Cries::_

_::Marius and Fantine start a fight over who gets to comfort her::  
><em>  
>Marius: She's my wife!<p>

Fantine: She's my daughter who never got the chance to know me!

Marius: That's because you sold her to that rat of an innkeeper!

Thenardier: HEY!

Me: Enjy, I believe you were about to say something?

Enjolras: Yes, I was about to say that what happend to Valjean is exactly what we were fighting to stop!

Valjean: So it turns out I'd prefer to have you as a son over fluffy after all…

Marius: _::stops fighting with Fantine::_ Hey! ::_Cries::_

Fantine: _::Now comforts both Cosette and Marius::_

Me: _::Sigh::_ Now that's over can we get back to the play

Grantaire: But I still don't have my wine!

Enjolras: THAT'S A GOOD THING!

Grantaire: _::sobs::_

Fantine: _::Is now comforting Grantaire along with Marius and Cosette::_

Javert: How come I don't get a hug?

Fantine: You were going to arrest me.

Javert: I WAS DOING MY JOB!

Me: NOW CAN WE GET BACK TO THE PLAY!

Joly: _::sneezes::_

Me: Wait a minute. This sounds familiar… Have you guys been reading through my reviews?

All: Nope. _::whistle innocently::_

Me: _::sigh::_ You lot are FAR too easily distracted. And now I have to give credit. Excuse me a second. **(A/N: Thanks to TheTreesAreFullOfStarlight-EE for this gem :) It was just too good not to use, so I hope you don't mind us borrowing it)**

Montparnasse: May I suggest we get this over with?

All: _::stare in shock/horror::_

Jehan: I can't believe you of all people are wanting to start work.

Montparnasse: _::shrugs::_ Sooner we start, sooner we finish.

All: _::sighs of relief that Parnasse hasn't suddenly become a normal hardworking citizen::_

Me: _::clears throat importantly::_ So people, may I introduce you to...

Eponine: Is anyone else as scared as I am?

Feuilly: I know I am...

Me: People! I give you... Mary-Sue!Cosette and Marty-Stu!Marius!

_::Everyone screams as they appear::_

MS!Cosette: Where are we, Pookie?

MS!Marius: I-I don't know, sugarpuff...

MS!Cosette: Pookie, I'm scared!

MS!Marius: It's okay, honeybunny. I've got you.

Enjolras: Kill me now... Just kill me now...

National Guard Soloist: Really? You mean it?

Enjolras: It's a figure of speech!

Eponine: _::whispering::_ Have they got glitter in their hair?

MS!Cosette: But of course! _::she swishes her hair:: _And I've got absolutely perfect hearing, and I'm so pretty and popular and Marius loves me –

Eponine: Can I get permission to strangle her?

Me: No. This is a punishment and you are all going to take it.

All: _::groan::_

MS!Marius: Besides, how can anyone not want to spend time with us? I mean, we're so adorable! I'm just like a teddybear!

Joly: Should their eyes be sparkling like that?

Bossuet: I'm really not sure...

Marius: Okay, my hair surely can't be that fluffy...

Cosette: But I'm the only me there is! There can't be two of me!

Gavroche: Are they gonna be staying for the rest of the fic?

Me: No.

All: _::sigh of relief::_

Me: They'll be gone after this chapter.

All: _::cheer::_

Me: If no one's returned Javert's hat or owned up to stealing it by then, I'll have to just write a Mary-Sue of someone else.

Grantaire: Okay! Can whoever it is just please give Javvie his hat back already?

Javert: If you call me Javvie one more time, I swear by the stars I'll...

Grantaire: Yeah yeah whatever. Go jump off a bridge.

All: _::gasp::_

Bahorel: Oh… that was harsh, dude!

Javert: Have you no respect for authority whatsoever?

Enjolras: Annoying isn't it?

Jehan: If the _::gulp::_ sweeter-than-normal Marius and Cosette are only going to be here for this chapter, may I suggest that we try and make it as short as possible?

Valjean: That is actually quite sensible...

MS!Cosette: I don't think they like us much, fluffwuddle.

MS!Marius: But we're awesomely epically adorable!

Me:... Are you wearing guy-liner?

MS!Marius: _::nods happily::_ It brings out the hazel in my eyes.

Me: Okay then.

Thenardier: Look can we please just make them go away!

Enjolras: All those in favor of starting performing immediately and keeping this chapter as short as possible?

All: Aye!

Enjolras: Carried.

Me: Whoa whoa whoa! Who's the writer here?

All: _::grumble::_

Me: Ahem?

All: _::unenthusiastically::_ You are.

Me: So who's in charge?

All: You are.

Me: Good. Now. Plan of action. We start performing immediately and keep this chapter as short as possible.

Enjolras: _::gives me Glare-of-Death::_

Me: What?

Enjolras: I'm not saying anything...

Valjean: OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!

Cosette: Daddy!

Thenardier: Well someone's got anger issues...

Valjean: Look! Can... we... PLEASE... start?

Me: But of course! Eponine?

Eponine: Right. **Joseph's coat annoyed his brothers...**

MS!Cosette: I can sing so much better than that.

MS!Marius: Of course you can, snookles.

Grantaire: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Bahorel: And not from alcohol...

Me: Guys!

Brothers: **But what makes us mad**

**Are the things that Joseph tells us of**

**The dreams he's often had.**

Enjolras:** I dreamed that in the fields one day the corn gave me a sign.**

Fantine: You mean like crop circles?

Jehan: THE ALIENS! THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED!

Bossuet: Now that's just embarrassing.

Enjolras: **Your eleven sheaves of corn all turned and bowed to mine.**

MS!Marius: But I'm the most popular!

Me: Marius vs Enjolras? Enjy always wins!

MS!Marius: But –

Me: Deal with it!

MS!Marius: Hmph!

Enjolras: **My sheaf was quite a sight to see, a golden sheaf and tall.**

Grantaire: _::giggles childishly::_ Someone is clearly overcompensating here...

Enjolras: Oh grow up!

Grantaire: You love it really! _::gives him a hug::_

Enjolras: Will you get off?

Grantaire: Nope.

Javert: K+! This is K+!

Me: Dudes!

_::Grantaire reluctantly lets go of Enjy::_

Enjolras: **Yours were green and second-rate and really rather small!**

Amis: Oi!

Me: _::facepalm::_ You guys are reading far too much into this...

Brothers: **This is not the kind of thing we brothers like to hear.**

**It seems to us that Joseph and his dreams should disappear!**

Claquesous: Whoa! We're gonna kill this guy?

Me: No.

Claquesous: ...Oh.

Enjolras: **I dreamed I saw eleven stars, the sun, the moon, and sky**

**Bowing down before my star, it made me wonder why.**

Combeferre: No! When the revolution happens, we should all become equal!

Me: It's how the story goes.

Courfeyrac: Well it's not fair!

MS!Marius: And I'm the most popular!

Enjolras: **Could it be that I was born for higher things than you:**

**A post in someone's government, a ministry or two!**

Whoa, hold it! There is no way I would EVER start working for the government!

Javert: And there's no way the government would ever want a radical like you working for it!

Me: _::headdesk::_ It... is... a... play!

Brothers: **The dreams of our dear brother are the decade's biggest yawn.**

**His talk of stars and golden sheaves is just a load of corn!**

MS!Cosette: Oh, that's clever!

Gavroche: Why?

MS!Cosette: Sheaves are corn. It's a pun.

Amis: ...'Les Amis de l'ABC' was a better pun.

MS!Marius: Oh you are so smart, hugglepuff!

Joly: Bucket! I need a bucket!

Brothers: **Not only is he tactless but he's also rather dim,**

**For there's eleven of us and there's only one of him!**

**The dreams of course will not come true!**

**That is we think they won't come true.**

**That is we hope they won't come true...**

**What if he's right all along?**

Courfeyrac: They're not exactly decisive, this lot, are they?

Brothers: **The dreams are more than crystal clear; the writing on the wall**

**Means that Joseph someday soon will rise above us all.**

Bahorel: Why is it always Enjy?

Me: Do you want me to repeat what I said about Enjy in chapter 1?

All: No!

Enjolras: _::looks incredibly hurt::_

Me: I'll tell you later.

Enjolras: _::brightens::_

Brothers: **The accuracy of the dreams we brothers do not know,**

**But one thing we are sure about: the dreamer has to go!**

Enjolras: Gee thanks.

Feuilly: Oh it's nothing personal.

MS!Cosette: _::screams::_

All: What's happened?

MS!Cosette: I broke a fingernail, and it really really really really HURTS!

All: Oh.

MS!Marius: Oh, come here darling! Let me kiss it better!

Me: This is just horrible...

Javert: You created them.

Me: To get your hat back!

Javert: _::sniffles::_

Grantaire: And you had to mention the hat!

Eponine: Well ready or not I'm starting now! **Next day far from home, **

**The brothers planned the repulsive crime!**

Brothers: **Let us grab him now! **

**Do him in while we've got the time!**

Javert: Conspiring to commit murder? I'll arrest the whole lot of you!

Me: Gah! I'm gonna say this one more time: IT'S... A... PLAY!

Eponine: **This they did, and made the most of it:**

**Tore his coat and flung him in a pit!**

Enjolras: _::from inside the pit:: _Charming!

Me: Now aren't you glad you weren't wearing your vest?

Enjolras: _::sighs:: _Yes, fine, alright.

Me: _::smugness::_

Brothers: **Let us leave him here**

**All alone, and he's bound to die!**

Enjolras: Oh please don't! It stinks down here!

Eponine: **When some Ishmaelites,**

**A hairy crew, came riding by.**

Me: Oops… forgot about them…

Mme Thenardier: Typical…

Me: And for that, you can be an Ishmaelite.

Mme Thernardier: Why, you little – _::starts striding towards me with a large rolling-pin::_

Me: AH! _::runs and hides behind Valjean::_

Valjean: What on earth are you doing?

Me: …Hiding.

Javert: Duh!

Valjean: Oh go away!

Javert: I'll never go away!

Me: …O-kay… That's a little creepy.

Feuilly: Can we get on with this PLEASE!

Me: What's your problem?

Feuilly: _::ducking away from MS!Cosette:: _She keeps trying to put daisies in my hair!

All: Oh god!

MS!Cosette: What? They're pretty! _::swishes her hair and bats her eyes:: _Though not as pretty as me!

Me: Okay, so Mme Thernardier can be the Ishmaelite…

Mme Thenardier: _::death-glare:: _I'll get you later, you little piece of –

Javert: K+! K+! K+!

Enjolras: Look can we hurry this up please? I'm not kidding when I say this pit stinks.

Combeferre: Actually that's not surprising…

Enjolras: What do you mean?

Combeferre: Well logically there would only be one main reason why there would be a pit in the middle of a desert…

All: _::think:: ::lightbulb moment:: _Oh, gross!

Enjolras: And I sooo needed to know that(!)

Me: Okay! Brothers, go!

Brothers: **Could you use a slave, you hairy bunch of Ishmaelites?**

**Young, strong, well-behaved, going cheap, and he writes.**

Courfeyrac: Look, we're really sorry about this Enjolras.

Enjolras: Fine, fine, whatever! Just get me out of this hole!

Eponine: **In a trice the dirty deal was done.**

**Silver coins for Jacob's favourite son.**

MS!Marius: Wow! You guys are really really mean! Of course I would never ever dream of being so mean because I'm so handsome and adorable and sensitive and –

Me: We get the picture.

Enjolras: Wait. I've just been sold to her? _::indicates Mme Thenardier::_

All: …

Enjolras: Sigh. How undignified!

Eponine: **Then the Ishmaelites galloped off with a slave in tow –**

**Off to Egypt where Joseph was not keen to go.**

**It wouldn't be a picnic he could tell.**

Enjolras: **And I don't speak Egyptian very well.**

Okay, I cannot believe this guy! He's been betrayed by his brothers, thrown into a pit full of who-knows-what, sold, and about to be carted off to Egypt, and he's worried about not speaking the language?

Me: _::shrug:: _What can I say? Joe's one cool cucumber.

Grantaire: … You're weird.

Me: Look who's talking.

Grantaire: Oi!

Eponine: Ahem?

Me, Grantaire: Sorry.

Eponine: Thank you.

**Joseph's brothers tore his precious multi-coloured coat.**

**Having ripped it up, they next attacked a passing goat.**

Bossuet: Blimey! Have these guys got anger issues or what!

Joly: Ew! No! I'm not touching that goat! I don't know where it's been! It might be carrying diseases!

Valjean: …And this is a kids' show?

Me: I didn't write it!

Thenardier: We can tell.

Me: And what's that supposed to mean?

MS!Marius: Now now everyone. Conflict never solves anything.

All: Shut up!

MS!Marius: _::starts to cry::_

MS!Cosette: Oh, wigglemuff! Don't cry!

Eponine: Moving swiftly on!

**Soon the wretched creature was no more.**

**They dipped his coat in blood and guts and gore.**

Enjolras: Excuse me, writer girl?

Me: Hm?

Enjolras: I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you in front of all these witnesses for making me swap my vest with that hideous coat.

Me: You're very welcome Enjy.

Enjolras: So can I have it back now?

Me: Nope.

Enjolras: Grr!

Fantine: We can't stop now! We've got four more lines left!

Eponine: **Oh now brothers, how low can you stoop?**

**You make a sordid group. Hey, how low can you stoop?**

**Poor poor Joseph, sold to be a slave.**

**Situation's grave, hey, sold to be a slave.**

Me: And cut!

All: _::loud cheer::_

Me: Now, Javert. Has anyone said anything about the whereabouts of your hat and/or given said hat back?

Javert: _::sniffle::_

Me: I'll take that as a no.

All: _::groan::_

Me: So I'm afraid that next chapter we'll be joined by another Mary-Sue Mizzie!

All: _::groan and whine::_

Me: Goodbye until then everybody! _::leaves::_

MS!Cosette: Hey! She forgot about us!

MS!Marius: No one forgets us! We're the only two main characters left alive!

MS!Cosette: And we're so adorable!

All: ARGH!

**Hehe, oops! Guess I'll have to update it soon before the normal Mizzies go insane :) You know the drill by now: please leave a review, and you get a cookie and barricade-shaped cake :D What could be better? Also, if anyone has any (ahem) particular preferences as to who the next MS!Mizzie should be, please include them in said review. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I promise you won't have to wait so long for the next one. This I swear by the stars! *dramatic music* So yeah.**


	5. Chapter 5

**EatATWC – Chapter 5**

**Okay, so I know I promised I wouldn't take so long to update this, but my life has been pretty mental lately – going to Italy for a week and then going to London to see Ramin's last performance **_**::sobs:: **_**and less important things like schoolwork and A-Levels – and my internet decided to cut out for about a month, BUT it is now fixed! And also I finally found a copy of Les Misérables in a charity shop! **_**::does happy-dance:: **_**(**Mizzies: Get on with it!**) So yeah. The good side of this is you will probably be bombarded by several new chapters one after the other because I have been writing while my internet has been on strike (whatever Valjean says. He never believes me **_**::sobs::**_**).**

**Thanks to the people who have reviewed thus far and/or added this story to their Alerts and/or Favourites. Your love is felt and appreciated. Treat yourselves to a slice of Barricade-cake :D**

**Disclaimer: So I prayed to God on Easter Sunday to give me control of the Les Miz-universe but obviously he was busy and didn't hear me. I therefore STILL do not own anything recognizable from Les Miz or Joseph. Sigh. One day, mes amis. One day... Mwahahahaha! Ahem.**

All: Oh God!

Valjean: Look. Can you just quit getting our hopes up?

Eponine: Yeah. If you're gonna make us do this, can you try not to disappear for two months?

Me: Hey! I already apologized!

Grantaire: Not accepted.

Me: Oh leave me alone!

Gavroche: Poke.

Me: Leave... me... alone!

Gavroche: Poke.

Me: Grr!

Gavroche: ...Poke.

Enjolras: Well now that she's back, shall we get on with it?

Me: Yes! Thank you Enjy, we shall... Hold on.

Combeferre: Uh-oh.

Bahorel: Screwed.

Me: Guys? Where are the Perfect!Marius/Cosette? Where are the _normal_ Marius/Cosette?

All: _::whistle innocently::_

Me: ... GUYS!

Courfeyrac: Well, if you will leave us to our own devices for two months –

Me: What did you do?

Javert: I would just like to point out I had no part in this.

Valjean: Suck-up!

Javert: _::sticks out tongue::_

Enjolras: Oh that's mature!

Javert: Says the boy who started a revolution!

Me: Which makes him awesome.

All: _::sigh::_

Me: And moving on, what did you do with Marius and Cosette?

Feuilly: Promise you won't be angry.

Me: _::gives Death-glare:: _Just tell me what –

Jehan: Promise!

Me: Okay. I promise!

Fantine: Well, they did get very annoying after a while...

Thenardier: And they wouldn't stop going on about how much they _loved_ one another...

Grantaire: And how _adorable_ they were...

Bossuet: We couldn't take it anymore...

Eponine: It was just too sickening...

Enjolras: So we discussed the possible solutions...

Gavroche: At length...

Valjean: And we decided that the best thing to do was...

Javert: They sent them off on a holiday!

Joly: _::sneezes::_

Me: You did what!

Jehan: You promised you wouldn't get angry.

Me: You got rid of characters without asking me?

Combeferre: You weren't here.

Me: _::is stumped::_

Courfeyrac: Well since we've got that out of the way –

Me: Allow me to introduce to your new friend.

All: _::groan. Then scream as *it* appears::_

Valjean: Oh good God!

Fantine: What is it!

Feuilly: How on earth can it move in that coat?

Courfeyrac: And the hat is just ridiculous!

MS!Javert: Insulting the hat of a Police Inspector? Jail!

Javert: Hat? Hat? Who mentioned a hat? _::sees MS!Javert:: _Oh dear lord! That hat is simply magnificent!

MS!Javert: It is rather, isn't it?

Me: Well at least they're getting on well.

MS!Javert: Wait a second! You say you're an Inspector. Where is your hat?

Javert: It... well...

Valjean: It got stolen.

Javert: Oh shut up!

MS!Javert: But all Inspectors are required to have a hat. And sideburns.

Javert: Aha! I have the sideburns! _::strokes them::_

MS!Javert: But no hat!

Javert: Well I did until someone _::glares at Valjean:: _stole it!

Valjean: For the last time, it wasn't me!

MS!Javert: Stealing an Inspector's official hat? Jail!

Valjean: Oh no! Not again!

Me: Oops!

Combeferre: I don't think this was one of your best ideas.

Me: ... No.

Javert: _::sniffles::_

Bossuet: Oh what is it now?

Javert: It's just... _::sobs::_ Seeing that hat _::sniffs::_ It makes me remember mine _::sniffles::_ and everything we had together! _::Wails::_

Me: That is... I honestly don't know how to respond to that...

MS!Javert: Excessive mourning over an article of clothing? Jail!

Javert: How dare you!

Me: Oh dear.

Javert: I am an official Inspector of the Law –

Javert, MS!Javert: And the Law is not mocked!

All: _::facepalm::_

Valjean: Look. Can we just get on with the performing? Please?

Me: Uh... yeah. Yeah, let's get started. Let's see, where were we?

Enjolras: I'd just been sold to her _::gestures to Mme Thenardier:: _and apparently I don't speak Egyptian.

Eponine: You can remember that far back?

Enjolras: _::blushes::_

Grantaire: You haven't... Have you been reading this back again?

Enjolras: Look. There's no revolution to plan, I get bored easily!

Grantaire: So you like fanfiction?

Enjolras: ...It seems okay...

Grantaire: Excellent! I have some personal favourites I wish to show you!

Me: _::To Enjolras:: _Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Enjolras: I intend to be...

Me: Right! So we're now on 'One More Angel in Heaven'. Great! Bahorel, you're up!

Courfeyrac: I don't get the logic in this casting.

Me: It's making up for the fact he got left out of the musical. Which just isn't fair.

Courfeyrac: _::shrugs:: _Whatever.

Bahorel: This is awesome!

**Father, we've something to tell you,**

**A story of our time.**

**A tragic but inspiring tale**

**Of manhood in its prime.**

Okay, question. Why do I have to do it in this weird accent?

Me: I dunno. It's just always done in a cowboy accent.

Bahorel: Hmm...

**You know you had a dozen sons?**

**Well now that's not quite true.**

Combeferre: Wow! They don't exactly sugarcoat it, do they?

Bahorel: **But feel no sorrow, do not grieve.**

Brothers: **He would not want you to.**

Grantaire: Pfft! Suuuuure!

Me: Quiet!

Bahorel:** Y'see, there's one more angel in heaven,**

**There's one more star in the sky,**

**But Joseph, we'll never forget you,**

**It's tough but we're gonna get by.**

Eponine: So hang on, they sell their own brother to some hairy guys –

Mme Thenardier: Watch it!

Eponine: And then they go tell their dad that he's dead?

Me: That's the gist of it, yeah.

Eponine: ...And I thought my family were bad!

Bahorel: **There's one less place at our table,**

**There's one more tear in my eye,**

**But Joseph, the things that you stood for**

**Like love and peace never die.**

Enjolras: I stood for love and peace?

Me: ...

Enjolras: This Joseph character is strange.

Bahorel: **When I think of his last great battle,**

**A lump comes to my throat.**

**It takes a man who knows no fear**

**To wrestle with a goat!**

Valjean: Whoa whoa whoa! This Jacob guy actually falls for that?

Me: Um, yes he does.

Valjean: This guy astonishes me.

Me: He is pretty old at this point though...

Valjean: That's no excuse!

Javert: You would know!

Valjean: Oh that is it!

Me: VJ! Javery! Stop it!

Javert: ... "Javery"?

Me: Yeah.

Javert: Where did that come from?

Me: It was a request from a Loyal Reader. (**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, Theatre4Life :D )**

MS!Javert: Deliberately mispronouncing the wimpy version of me's name?

Javert: "Wimpy"? How dare you!

Me: Right! Either shut up or get out!

MS!Javert, Javert: _::sulks::_

Bahorel: **His bloodstained coat is tribute to**

**His final sacrifice.**

Bossuet: See Joly? I told you there was a reason we had to beat up that goat!

Joly: Hm... I still didn't like it though.

MS!Javert: Cruelty to animals? Jail!

Joly: _::sneezes::_

MS!Javert: Sneezing on an Inspector? Jail!

Combeferre: Oh leave him alone! He can't help it!

MS!Javert: Telling an Inspector how to do his job? Jail!

Me: You can arrest him after this song!

Bahorel: **His body may be past its peak**

**But his soul's in Paradise!**

Fantine: **Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!**

**Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!**

**Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!**

**Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!**

Me: Beautifully done!

Fantine: _::glares::_

Me: What?

Fantine: I had one of the most famous songs in Les Misérables!

Me: Your point?

Fantine: I give up!

Me: ... Okay.

Brothers: **Carve his name with pride and courage!**

Me: Babet? _::crickets:: _Babet!

Babet: What?

Me: It's your line!

Babet: Do you want this knife up your –

Javert: K+! K+!

Me: Charming. And no. Now sing your line.

Babet: **Let no tear be shed.**

Happy?

Me: Thank you.

MS!Javert: Threatening harm on a minor? Jail!

Me: I'm a minor?

MS!Javert: Well you're not an adult.

Me: Okay.

Brothers: **If he had not laid down his life,**

**We all would now be dead!**

Combeferre: From a goat?

Me: It's a pretty evil goat.

Feuilly: You are so strange.

Me: Yes. So anyway, now Jacob goes to cry...

Valjean: Hey!

Javert: Crybaby!

Valjean: You can talk, Mr I'm-In-Love-With-My-Hat!

MS!Javert: Mocking an Inspector's bond with his uniform? Jail!

Valjean: You'll have to catch me first!

Me: No you don't! We're not wasting who-knows-how-many years tracking you down just to commit suicide when we finally find you.

Javert: I'm going to ignore that.

Me: Anyway, Jacob goes, and the brothers and their wives have a party, then Jacob comes back and catches one of them dancing around in Joseph's coat.

Grantaire: Awkward turtle!

Bahorel: **There's one more angel in heaven,**

**There's one more star in the sky,**

**But Joseph, the things that you stood for**

**Like democracy**

Enjolras: Now that's more like it!

Brothers: **Never die!**

Me: Great!

Feuilly: So are we done now?

Me: How many songs have we done?

All: _::mumble::_

Me: Pardon?

All: One.

Me: And how many do we do each chapter?

All: Two.

Me: So are we done yet?

Thenardier: Yes!

Me: _::facepalm::_

Grantaire: Ah! But we need Marius and Cosette to do the next song and they're not here right now so maybe we should just – _::Marius and Cosette (the NORMAL versions) appear:: _Dang it!

Me: Hehe! The writer holds the power!

Jehan: I don't like the sound of that...

Me: So! Eponine?

Eponine: Fine. **Joseph was taken to Egypt in chains and sold,**

**Where he was bought by a captain named Potipher.**

Marius: That's me, right?

Me: Yes.

Enjolras: Hating this!

MS!Javert: Participating in slavery? I'll arrest the whole lot of you!

Me: It's a play! It's not real!

MS!Javert: Denouncing the Bible? Jail!

Courfeyrac: There's just no winning with you, is there?

MS!Javert: Asking completely pointless questions? Jail!

Me: _::headdesk::_ Please just get on with it!

Eponine: Since you said please... **Potipher had very few cares.**

**He was one of Egypt's millionaires,**

**Having made a fortune buying shares in –**

Marius: **Pyramids.**

Why am I wearing this thing?

Me: Well, Potipher's meant to be quite large and...

Cosette: Well I think it makes you look very huggable, Marius.

Me: ... Sure.

Eponine: **Potipher had made a huge pile;**

**Owned a large percentage of the Nile.**

Marius: **Meant that I could really live in style.**

Eponine: **And he did.**

Marius: Why are you all looking at me like that?

Combeferre: Because this is exactly the sort of thing we wanted to change!

Bossuet: And now you're acting no better than the oppressors of the people!

Courfeyrac: You, Marius, are a sell-out!

Joly: _::sneezes::_

Marius: _::bursts into tears::_

Me: Oh for the love of... It's just a play! And Marius? Man up!

Cosette: Stop being so mean to him!

Me: I'm not the one who made him cry!

Grantaire: This time.

Me: _::death-glare::_

Eponine: **Joseph was an unimportant slave who found he liked his master,**

**Consequently worked much harder, even with devotion.**

**Potipher could see that Joseph was a cut above the average,**

**Made him leader of his household, maximum promotion.**

How can anyone be expected to sing that fast?

Me: I thought you handled it brilliantly!

Eponine: Thank you.

Enjolras: So I'm now working for my best friend?

Me: Yes.

Enjolras: Well this is awkward...

Me: Oh trust me. It's gonna get worse in a moment.

Enjolras: ... Meaning?

Me: You'll see.

Eponine: **Potipher was cool and so fine.**

Marius: Thank you, Ponine.

Cosette: Marius!

Me: Guys!

Marius: **But my wife would never toe the line.**

Eponine: **It's all there in chapter thirty-nine of Genesis.**

**She was beautiful but evil.**

I could go along with that.

Grantaire: Me-oooow!

Cosette: Hey!

Marius: Cosette's not evil!

Me: Oh dear...

Eponine: **Saw a lot of men against his will.**

Marius: Cosette!

Valjean: Anything you wish to tell me, young lady?

Fantine: We're waiting, Cosette!

Cosette: It's not true!

Me: It's... a... damn... play!

Cosette: Exactly!

Me: Oh, and you three might want to leave the room in a moment.

All: ... Why?

Me: Oh suit yourselves!

Eponine: **He would have to tell her that she still **

**Was his.**

Marius: **You're mine.**

You are, aren't you Cosette?

Cosette: Of course, darling!

Me: Oh this is gonna get sooo awkward... _::covers eyes::_

Eponine: **Joseph's looks and handsome figure had attracted her attention,**

**Every morning she would beckon –**

Enjolras: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up!

Me: Look. The more we drag this on, the more awkward it's gonna be.

Marius: I'm so not happy with this!

Cosette: How do you think I feel?

Me: Just say the line! Sooner you get this over with, sooner you can forget about it!

Grantaire: _::eats popcorn::_

Cosette: If I must... **Come and lie with me, love.**

Ew, ew, ew!

Enjolras: Charming!

Me: Just don't say anything! You'll only make it worse.

Marius: How could this get any worse?

Me: I'm not the one who wrote this!

Eponine: **Joseph wanted to resist her, till one day she proved too eager.**

**Joseph cried in vain –**

Enjolras: **Please stop! I don't believe in free love!**

Fangirls: Shame.

Me: And this is where the awkwardness shoots off the scale.

Courfeyrac: This is just...

Combeferre: And this is a kid's musical?

Joly: _::sneezes::_

Grantaire: _::eats popcorn::_

Gavroche: _::snaffles popcorn::_

Bahorel: Gavroche! Cover your eyes!

Gavroche: No way!

MS!Javert: Absolutely not! This disgusting display must not continue any further!

Me: Moving on!

Eponine: **Potipher was counting sheckles in his den below the bedroom**

**When he heard a mighty rumpus clattering above him.**

Grantaire: Aw! Our little Enjy's growing up!

Enjolras: If you ever mention this again, I swear I'll –

Javert: K+! K+!

Eponine: **Suddenly he knew his riches couldn't buy him what he wanted;**

**Gold would never make him happy if she didn't love him.**

Marius: Hear that, Cosette?

Cosette: I do love you Marius!

Me: You guys really need to learn the concept of the 'fourth wall'.

Eponine: **Letting out a mighty roar –**

Marius: **Roar!**

Me: Hold it. Hold it! What was that?

Marius: I was roaring.

Me: No. That sounded like a mouse with a sore throat.

Marius: Fine. How's this?** Roar!**

Bahorel: That was exactly the same!

Marius: Honestly! You guys just don't appreciate talented roaring!

Valjean: What about this? **ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAR!**

Me: Perfect!

Marius: Sigh.

Eponine: **Potipher burst through the door.**

MS!Javert: Destruction of public property? Jail!

Marius: **Joseph, I'll see you rot in jail!**

Javert, MS!Javert: I wish!

Enjolras: Hey!

Marius: **The things you have done are beyond the pail!**

Enjolras: This guy really doesn't have much luck does he?

Me: Not right now, no.

Enjolras: Are you enjoying this?

Me: ... No. _::whistles::_

Enjolras: Hmph!

Eponine: **Poor poor Joseph, locked up in a cell.**

**Things ain't going well, hey, locked up in a cell.**

**Poor poor Joseph, locked up in a cell.**

**Things ain't going well, hey, locked up in a cell.**

**Locked up in a cell.**

Javert: Aha! Finally!

Enjolras: Oh great. So now I'm in prison. Today was a good day(!)

MS!Javert: Making sarcastic statements? Jail!

Enjolras: I'm already in jail, you sideburned twit!

All: _::gasp::_

Enjolras: ... Forgive me, monsieur.

MS!Javert: Accepted.

All: _::gasp::_

Me: ... And on that bombshell –

MS!Javert: Quoting Top Gear and writing a fanfic full of anachronisms? Jail!

Me: Hey! _::is arrested:: _Oh fantastic(!) Well, see you guys later!

Javert: Talking to readers without using an author's note? Jail!

Me: What the –

Javert: The Perfect!me's love of arresting people has rubbed off on me.

Valjean: I'll be over here...

Javert: Get back here, 24601! _::chases Valjean::_

Combeferre: Hey! I just realized she never asked about the hat!

Courfeyrac: ... Is it still missing?

Javert: _::wails::_

Grantaire: Oh great! So who'll be next do you think?

Fantine: Who can say?

**Well, that went... interestingly. Once I've escaped from jail, I'll update again – it shouldn't take that long. (I am the writer and therefore all-powerful, after all ;) )**

**Again, I am sorry for the two-month break (**Valjean: You should be!**) and you won't have to wait so long ever again. I know I said that before but... yeah. Please review, con-crit is appreciated, and if you have any requests for Mary-Sue!Mizzies then bring 'em on! All the main characters will get a turn (by main characters I mean the lot who generally have solo bows. So we've got Valjean, Fantine, Eponine, Enjolras, Grantaire (and possibly Gavroche) left. And possibly a few of the students if you want them. And anyone else. I won't know if you don't tell me so REVIEW! And you get cookies. And Barricade-cake. You know you want some...**


	6. Chapter 6

**EatATWC – Chapter 6**

**Merci ****beaucoup**** for the reviews (and how quick they came! I feel loved!). I am TRULY sorry for not having updated sooner. My escape from jail took a little longer than planned (MS!Javert is actually a lot better at security than Normal-Javert. I tried puppy eyes and everything and he still wouldn't let me go until I threatened to shave his sideburns...). Anyway, I pray for your forgiveness and offer this chapter as a peace offering... **

**Disclaimer: I am still deciding whether or not using a Ouija board to contact Victor Hugo from beyond the grave and asking him if I can have ownership of the Les Miz-universe is more creepy than writing multiple letters to Sir Cammack asking the same question. Until I figure that out, I own nothing. And it upsets me.**

All: Wow!

Valjean: That took you long enough!

Javert: And after you promised in the last chapter that you'd be quick...

Me: Yeah yeah I know... sorry guys...

All: ... _::turn away::_

Me: Oh come on! _::crickets:: _...Guys? _::crickets::_ ...I made cookies...

Grantaire: Cookies?

All: _::groan::_

Enjolras: _::mutters::_ So much for 'sticking together'...

Grantaire: _::eating cookies::_ Oh lighten up!

Combeferre: So, shall we get on with it?

All: _::agreement::_

Me: Whoa whoa whoa! Why the sudden eagerness?

Courfeyrac: We're one chapter away from ending Act 1 –

Jehan: And there's only one more act to go after that –

Javert: So we basically decided to get this over with as fast as possible.

Me: _::blink::_

Grantaire: Guys, guys! The writer's lost for words!

Thenardier: It's a miracle!

Me: Hey!

All: _::groan::_

Fantine: You spoilt it!

Bossuet: Now she's not gonna shut up!

Me: I'm not the one who's been doing all the talking!

Eponine: Oh no? Then who has?

Me: Well, if you really want to know... _::begins to reread the fic::_

All: Stop!

Me: So who's been doing all the talking?

All: Not you.

Me: Well done.

Gavroche: Patronising little –

Javert: K+! Honestly, the language you people use!

Combeferre: Is surprisingly English and modern considering Les Misérables is set in nineteenth-century France.

Me: Aaaaanyway, we'll get the hard part over with shall we?

All: _::groan. Shriek::_

Feuilly: It's so shiny!

Joly: My eyes! My eyes! Argh! _::sneezes::_

MS!Enjolras: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING SINGING THE SONG OF ANGRY MEN –

Enjolras: ... Why is he singing louder than me?

Me: _::shrug:: _He's very enthusiastic about the revolution.

MS!Enjolras: Revolution?! _::jumps on the table::_

Me: Oops.

Grantaire: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiinyyyyyyyyy...

Enjolras: Yes Grantaire. Look at the shiny!

Jehan: Why are you encouraging him?

Enjolras: Cos then he'll leave me alone!

Me: _::facepalm::_

Fantine: ...I think we should just get on with it...

All: _::agree (apart from Grantaire since he's too busy trying to hug MS!Enjolras)::_

MS!Enjolras: _::happy sigh::_ Everybody loves me...

Enjolras: Please tell me I'm not that arrogant.

All: _::whistle innocently::_

Enjolras: ...Great(!)

Valjean: CAN WE PLEASE JUST START!

Javert: Someone's getting angry...

Valjean: _::glares::_ Don't annoy me!

Javert: _::sticks out tongue::_

Valjean: _::flicks him::_

Javert: How dare you! _::flicks back::_

Me: Enough! _::echoes::_

All: ...Whoa...

Me: Hm... that was cool...

Marius: And weird.

Cosette: Very weird.

Me: _::glares:: _Aaaaaaaaaaanyway...

Enjolras: Oh for the love of –

Javert: K+! How many times do I have to tell you people!

Enjolras: I'm starting now, ready or not!

Combeferre: Wait! What about Shiny?

Grantaire: _::brushing MS!Enjolras' hair:: _Shiny hair is shiiiiiinyyyyy...

Bahorel: ...That is officially one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen...

Me: I think we're safe from... Shiny for a while...

Enjolras: Fine!

**Close every door to me. Hide all the world from me.**

**Bar all the windows and shut out the light.**

Marius: Well this is a cheerful song(!)

Me: Quiet!

Enjolras: **Do what you want with me, hate me and laugh at me,**

**Darken my daytime, and torture my night.**

Courfeyrac: _::whistles:: _Boy, what a downer... I thought this was a kids' show.

Feuilly: Yeeeeaaaah... I think that kinda went out the window in the last chapter...

Marius and Cosette: _::glare at me::_

Me: Hey! I didn't write it!

Enjolras: AHEM!

All: ...Sorry.

Enjolras: **If my life were important, I would ask**

**Will I live or die?**

Jehan: Aw, you are important Enjy!

Me: _::facepalm::_ Play... it's a play...

Enjolras: **But I know the answers lie**

**Far from this world.**

**Close every door to me, keep those I love from me.**

**Children of Israel are never alone.**

**For I know I shall find**

**My own peace of mind,**

**For I have been promised a land of my own.**

Eponine: Wow! Not gonna lie Enjolras, you have a really good singing voice...

MS!Enjolras: _::bows::_

Enjolras: Thank you. _::glares at MS!Enjolras::_

Me: Oh boy... She's right though.

Eponine: Hang on... why didn't Shiny say thank you?

MS!Enjolras: _::shakes his head and turns away::_

Eponine: What's going on here? Am I not good enough to talk to or something?

MS!Enjolras: _::whispers:: _You're a girl... _::looks horrified and hits his head::_

Eponine: ...You noticed. _::glances at Marius and Joly::_

Marius: You were wearing a hat!

Joly: And trousers! _::sneezes::_

Marius: And a big baggy coat!

Me: Yeah... That wouldn't have fooled anyone...

Combeferre: So. Wait. Shiny's willing to let Grantaire brush his hair but he won't talk to a girl? Weirdo.

Courfeyrac: Actually it kinda reminds me of Hadley Fraser and Ramin Karim - _::ducks as MS!Enjolras tries to hit him with the flag::_

MS!Enjolras: DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT IMPOSTER'S NAME!

Me: Whoa whoa whoa! No dissing Ramin!

MS!Enjolras: _::war-cry::_

Me: _::gulp::_

Eponine: Why don't you like him?

MS!Enjolras: _::shakes his head::_

Feuilly: Why don't you like him?

MS!Enjolras: He's not canonically-correct!

Me: Still awesome though!

MS!Enjolras: _::glares::_

Me: ...Well he is...

Enjolras: Once you're all done discussing the amazingness vs the uncanon... can I finish my song?

All: _::nod::_

Enjolras: Thank you!

**Just give me a number instead of my name.**

Grantaire: Would the number be 24601 by any chance?

All: _::groan::_

Valjean: Not... funny!

Enjolras: **Forget all about me and let me decay.**

**I do not matter, I'm only one person.**

**Destroy me completely then throw me away.**

**If my life were important I would ask**

**Will I live or die?**

**But I know the answers lie **

**Far from this world.**

**Close every door to me. Keep those I love from me.**

**Children of Israel are never alone.**

**For we know we shall find**

**Our own peace of mind**

**For we have been promised a land of our own!**

All: _::stunned silence::_

Enjolras: _::looks around nervously::_

All the girls (and Grantaire): _::sniffles::_

Me: That...was...amazing.

Enjolras: Merci!

MS!Enjolras: _::mutters:: _I can sing better...

Enjolras: In your dreams!

Me: Okay boys, break it up... Ponine? Ready for the next bit?

Thenardier: I'm in this bit, right?

Me: Um... _::checks cast-list:: _Yep. You and Javert.

Javert: Perfect-Me should have left you to rot in jail...

Me: Charming as ever, monsieur Inspector...

Eponine: Are you lot just gonna argue all day or can I start?

Me: Of course! Start away.

Eponine: **Joseph's luck was really out,**

**His spirit and his fortune low.**

**Alone he sat, alone he thought**

**Of happy times he used to know.**

Grantaire: _::sniffles:: _

Me: What's wrong with you?

Grantaire: It's just...Enjy looks so sad sitting there... He's like a little lost puppy!

Enjolras: ... The humiliation is complete...

Me: Um...guys? Hurry up with the next lines...

Courfeyrac: **Hey! Dreamer! Don't be so upset...**

Bahorel: **Hey! Joseph! You're not beaten yet...**

All: **Go go go Joseph, you know what they say.**

**Hang on now Joseph, you'll make it someday.**

**Don't give up Joseph, wait and you'll see –**

**We've been outside –**

Combeferre: Huh! I wish...

Me: Shh!

Eponine: **And you're on the marquee.**

Marius: What on earth is that line meant to mean?

Me: I...think it's just reassuring him that things can get better...

Marius: Well, I don't see why everyone always makes such a fuss over Enjy. I mean, he gets upset or shot and everyone feels sorry for him, but when I try and talk about anything important to me –

MS!Enjolras: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR LONELY SOUL!

Marius: _::sulks::_

Eponine: Anyway... **The prison walls were wet and black.**

**His chains were heavy, weighed him down.**

**A candle was his only light**

Jehan: That's thoughtful of the guards, leaving him a candle...

Eponine: **The hungry rats, the only sound.**

Enjolras: Wait...what?! Rats? I never agreed to this!

Grantaire: _::squeaks like a rat::_

Enjolras: _::shrieks::_

All: _::burst out laughing::_

Enjolras: I will kill you, winecask...

Grantaire:** Hey! Dreamer! Don't be so upset...**

Enjolras: Don't be upset?! There are rats in here!

MS!Enjolras: _::smugly:: _Of course, I'm not scared of anything.

Enjolras: _::growls::_

Feuilly: **Hey! Joseph! You're not beaten yet...**

All: **Go go go Joseph, you know what they say.**

**Hang on now Joseph, you'll make it someday.**

**Don't give up Joseph, fight til you drop.**

**We've read the book**

Mme Thenardier: Oh that's right! Students always boasting about the fact they can read...

Eponine: **And you come out on top.**

Enjolras: _::mutters:: _After all I've been put through, I should hope so!

Eponine: **Now into Joseph's prison cell**

**Were flung two very frightened men.**

Me: Any volunteers to do the flinging?

All: _::raise hand::_

Javert: Oh very nice(!)

Me: Alright. Valjean, you fling Javert.

Valjean: The first sensible decision you've made.

Javert: Oh no! Absolutely not!

Valjean: Oh hush your sideburns! _::flings Javert into the cell:: _Heh. That felt good...

Me: Fantine and Eponine and Little Cosette can fling Thenardier.

Fantine, Eponine, Little Cosette: _::fling Thenardier into the cell::_

Fantine: Revenge is sweet...

Little Cosette: Mama!

Fantine: Well...

Me: CONTINUE!

Javert, Thenardier: **We don't think that we will ever**

**See the light of day again.**

Javert: Except we will. I have the keys!

Gavroche: _::steals the keys:: _Hehehe!

Javert: You little –

Valjean: K+.

Javert: I'll make you all pay for this!

Javert, Thenardier: **Hey! Joseph! Help us if you can!**

**We've had dreams that we don't understand.**

Enjolras: Whoa whoa whoa. How do these guys know Joseph's name?

Me: The magic of artistic license.

Enjolras: Hm...

Eponine: **Both men were servants of Pharaoh the King.**

Grantaire: I have servants? Cool!

MS!Enjolras, Enjolras: Supreme Being help us all... _::look at each other::_

Enjolras: We agreed on something...

MS!Enjolras: Let's never mention it again.

Enjolras: Agreed.

Eponine: Guys! **Both in the doghouse for doing their thing.**

Courfeyrac: Whoa, back up! What "thing" are we talking about here?

Me: I...honestly don't know...

All: ...

Joly: This show is seriously weird for a kid's show... _::sneezes::_

Eponine: **One was a baker, a cook in his prime.**

Master Of The House customers: Yeah. Right(!)

Thenardier: Oi!

Eponine: **One was a butler, the Jeeves of his time.**

Javert: Jeeves? Is this an insult?

Me: Actually, Jeeves was a fictional butler who was very good at his job and a lot smarter than his master. If anything it's a compliment.

Javert: _::stunned:: _Someone...gave me a...compliment...? _::sniffles::_

Valjean: Don't get used to it.

Enjolras: **Tell me of your dreams, my friends,**

**And I will tell you what they show.**

**Though I cannot guarantee **

**To get it right...I'll have a go!**

Bahorel: Aww, Enjy... Always so community-minded...

Eponine: **First the butler trembling took the floor.**

**Nervously he spoke of what he saw.**

Javert: **There I was standing in front of a vine.**

**I picked some grapes and I crushed them to wine.**

**I gave them to Pharaoh who drank from my cup.**

**I tried to interpret, but I had to give up.**

Enjolras: **You will soon be free, my friend,**

**So do not worry anymore.**

**The King will let you out of here.**

Of course he will. The King never lets people out of prison who actually deserve it.

Valjean: Preach.

Enjolras: **You'll buttle as you did before.**

Seriously? "Buttle"?

Eponine: **Next, the baker rose to tell his dream**

**Hoping it would have a similar theme.**

Thenardier: **There I was standing with baskets of bread.**

**High in the sky I saw birds overhead**

**Who flew to my baskets and ate every slice.**

**Give me the message. Like his would be nice.**

And if it isn't like his, I'll cut your nose off!

MS!Enjolras: I say! What a rude man!

Eponine: You don't know the half of it...

Enjolras: _::to Thenardier:: _Well, tough! I'm following the damn script!

**Sad to say your dream is not**

**The kind of dream I'd like to get.**

**Pharaoh has it in for you,**

**Your execution date is set.**

Thenardier: Execution?! You little – _::grabs Enjy's neck::_

Me: IT'S. JUST. A. PLAY!

Enjolras: _::in a squeaky voice:: _**Don't rely on all I said I saw.**

**It's just that I have not been wrong before...**

Courfeyrac: Well, not except for that "corn and stars and moon bowing before you" stuff... And you thinking the people were coming to help us with the revolution. That was a pretty big slip up.

Enjolras: _::still in squeaky voice:: _I apologized for that! Now will someone please help get this madman away from my neck?

Grantaire: _::tackles Thenardier with a war-cry::_

Me: _::facepalm::_

Feuilly: Guys! We've reached the end of the song! PARTY TIME!

All: _::start partying (except for MS!Enjolras who sits on a table refusing to drink anything or join in):: _**Go go go Joseph, you know what they say!**

**Hang on now Joseph, you'll make it someday!**

**Shalala Joseph, you're doing fine;**

**You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time!**

Me: _::brings in barricake:: _Merry Christmas everyone!

All: Merry Christmas!

**Aww... Everything turned out alright then :) Merry Christmas, peeps! Hope you get everything you wish for (and if any of you get the rights to Les Mis, I'll willingly take on the job of looking after them for you...) All chapters have now been written and I WILL be posting them at (semi)regular intervals over January. Terribly sorry to have kept you all waiting but mega-thanks to those who have kept reviewing/favouriting during my absence. Barricade-cake and Les Mis presents for you all!**


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